


Saint Bernard

by Whiskey_With_Patron



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Human AU, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mutual Pining, No beta we duck out like virgil, One-Sided Attraction, Religious Guilt, Religious Themes, Song fic, Suicide mention, it will end with Patton/Janus, like there's a lot of flower symbolism in here, moceit shippers come get y'all JUICE, sorry logicality shippers, sort of??? it's all inspired by Saint Bernard, symbolism with flowers, there's more comfort near the end trust me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28879644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whiskey_With_Patron/pseuds/Whiskey_With_Patron
Summary: Patton never thought he would make it to today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next.He's graduating high school with his best friends in the middle of a global pandemic. He chose to wear a dress instead of a suit like the rest of the boys in his grade. He feels beautiful, but guilt weighs down on him like an anvil. Butterflies flutter in his stomach every time he looks at his best friend, Logan. He knows that's not supposed to happen.Patton is a sinner, from his flower-tipped headband to the high heels his sister picked out for him. And no amount of visits from his next door neighbor will be able to convince him otherwise.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 31
Kudos: 30





	1. Just A Spoiled Little Kid Who Went To Catholic School

**Author's Note:**

> Moceit shippers, come get y'all juice
> 
> this was something i started writing in June 2020 because i was also trying to graduate in the middle of the pandemic. this became sort of a comfort fic, so i just worked on it every time things got too much for me to handle. i was lowkey projecting onto Patton with some of the stuff that happens in here, specifically the intrusive thoughts and the internalized homophobia (although i mostly experienced that when i was little). 
> 
> i have no idea where the religious guilt aspect came from, it just yeeted itself into this fic and refused to leave. idk how often i'm going to update this, but i'm guessing maybe every week??? i'll just update whenever i want

Patton didn’t think he would make it to today. 

He stares at himself in his mirror. It’s strange to see himself looking like this. Layers of sky blue satin build up the dress that flares out at his waist. White lace flowers decorate the skirt, and a white chrysanthemum is pinned to the blue headband holding back his hair. He’s done his own makeup too, which is a first. Light blue eyeshadow and dark mascara frame his brown eyes, a pink sheen of gloss shines on his lips, and a light dusting of blush lightens the freckles on his cheeks. He feels beautiful, gorgeous even, like an ethereal fairy from a Disney movie. 

He doesn’t deserve it. 

Patton straightens the chrysanthemum on his headband. He never thought he would even reach grade twelve, let alone actually graduate. He thought he’d be dead long before now. He didn’t think he would live to see today, and even if he did, he was sure he would wander aimlessly through life after grad with no real purpose, just dragging himself along through existence until he inevitably offed himself and was sent right down to Hell where he belonged. 

But he has a plan now. He’s done school. He’ll take a year to work at his retail job and save up some money, and his parents will let him stay at home until he applies for university in a year. He’s not sure what he’ll do in school again, but he’s thinking maybe journalism or something of the sort. It sounds like that suits him. 

He just finds it so strange that he’s an adult now. He thought his whole life would be lived out as a child or a teenager. But he’s eighteen. Legally grown up. He didn’t just stop aging until he decided to die. He’s still living and growing. He’ll keep living and growing. 

That thought is terrifying. 

“Patton!”

He jumps and turns to his door. “Coming!” he calls. 

He shuffles out of the room in his heels. He’s lucky he didn’t get super tall ones like Roman had urged him to. He doesn’t think he could walk in those four-inch high heels Roman had presented to him when they were shopping for Patton’s outfit. 

He walks down the stairs, hiking up his skirts so he won’t trip over them. He enters the kitchen to see his parents and two older sisters waiting. Roman gasps happily as soon as her gaze falls on Patton’s outfit. 

“Pat, you look like a princess!” she squeals. 

“You look bitchin’,” Remus agrees. She’d draped her suit jacket over her shoulders instead of putting it on properly, despite Roman’s protests that Patton had heard all the way upstairs. 

“You look gorgeous, sweetie,” Mom coos. She already has her phone in her hands and is snapping pictures. 

Patton can’t help but smile. He certainly does feel beautiful in this dress. 

Dad grabs the keys from the counter. “Let’s get you in the car.” His voice isn’t nearly as excited as the rest of his family’s is.

They make their way outside. It takes a little bit of effort due to the sheer amount of fabric Patton is lugging behind him, but they manage to fold his dress into the seat with him. 

He stares out the window as they drive to the church. Graduation is going to be a little different than he’d thought it was going to be. The pandemic had shut down the schools, so they’re not even allowed in the auditorium to have a ceremony, and the forty graduates can’t be in the same enclosed space at once. They’re resorting to having their pictures taken and diplomas received separately at one of the local churches over the course of two days. After that, some of the parents and students had planned to hold a parade of sorts. The graduates will stand out in front of the school as people drive by. The day after, one of the graduates is holding a small party at her house for the rest of the graduating class. Patton isn’t sure if he’s looking forward to that, considering he’d never been to a party before, but his friends are going, so he figures he might as well. 

It’s strange to think that he’ll be going to his first party ever. He never thought he would get to attend one. 

It hardly takes any time at all to arrive at the church across town. Roman and Remus help Patton out of the car, and he carefully walks across the small parking lot to the doors, his family at his side. He can’t help but inwardly marvel at the fact that he’s here, alive, right now, about to graduate like Roman and Remus already have. Even in the past few months, he’d started wondering if he would live past June. And here he is. It’s surreal. 

Small flowerbeds of daisies and white lilies sprout from the dirt on either side of the door. They’re suitable flowers for a church, he thinks. Very pretty, too. Maybe Mom can take some pictures of him in front of the flowers after they finish with the one-graduate ceremony. 

They enter the church and are greeted by a few select teachers who helped with the setup. Most of the teachers stop what they’re doing to fawn over Patton’s dress and gush about how pretty he is. He responds with a genuine smile and a few timid “thank you’s” and quiet “you too’s”. None of the teachers are dressed up particularly fancy, but he would feel rude if he didn’t compliment them back. 

They all step back and let him walk down the aisle where the principal waits with his diploma. Walking past the pews and decorations in his dress feels odd. He was sure he’d never get to walk down a church aisle in a dress. Even if he doesn’t stay alive long enough to have a wedding, this is a good substitute he can look back on if he ever puts up the noose before then. 

He stumbles over his heels as his thoughts take a sharp turn for the worse. No, he shouldn’t consider anything like that. He hasn’t had intrusive thoughts like that in over a year. He’s done with those. This is a good day. This is _his_ day. He can’t let anything take that away from him. 

He hears the clicking and flashing of the school’s photographer taking pictures as he nears the end of the aisle. He smiles up at the principal and stops to stand next to him, facing the photographer in the aisle for a few pictures. He keeps a decent distance from the principal. They can’t stand any closer than six feet, after all. 

The photographer finally stops. The principal gestures to the alter behind them, where Patton’s diploma is displayed. Patton takes it with a smile. He can’t shake the principal’s hand, so he lifts his skirts in a curtsy instead. The teachers at the front of the church laugh a little at the gesture, and Patton can’t hold back a smile himself. 

“Congratulations,” the principal says. 

“Thank you,” Patton responds, still smiling wide. 

Patton hefts his skirts and starts back down the aisle. “Wait!” the photographer interjects before he can get too far. “Hold up your diploma, I want to get a picture.”

Patton holds up the diploma in both hands and smiles for the camera. After a few pictures, the photographer steps aside to let him pass. 

Mom holds out her arms for a hug as Patton approaches. Patton wraps his arms around her. A giddy feeling rises up inside him. He’s done it. He’s done something he didn’t think he would ever do. He finished school. 

Mom lets go and grabs Roman and Remus by the arms. “Come on, let’s get some family pictures outside!“

Dad and Patton follow them out of the church. The teachers call out some congratulations after them, and Patton waves at them as he leaves. 

Roman claps Patton on the shoulder and whoops in excitement as Dad nags Remus about wearing her jacket properly. Mom brings out her camera and motions for them to stand in front of the flowers. 

“Come on, let’s get a sibling picture!” she urges. “All three of you, let’s go!”

Dad gives up on trying to make Remus actually put her jacket on and goes to stand beside Mom. Patton turns to the flowerbeds, but he stops. He gazes down at the flowers. The smile slips off his face. 

Pink begonias sit in the flowerbeds. 

There were lilies and daisies there before. 

“Come on, Pat.”

Patton shakes himself out of his stupor. The giddy feeling in his stomach flips into a ball of dread. He turns his back on the flowers and stands facing Mom as Roman and Remus wrap their arms around his shoulders. No one could have replaced the flowers in so little time. 

He forces a smile as Mom snaps a few pictures. The changing of the flowers can’t be a coincidence. He shouldn’t have stepped foot in the church. He doesn’t deserve to be there. He isn’t even worthy to look at it. Not with the amount of sins he’s guilty of. 

“Parent pictures now!” Mom says. She hands her camera off to Roman and ushers Dad over to stand next to Patton. 

Patton glances behind him at the pink flowers. They sway in the breeze as Mom and Dad position themselves on either side of Patton. He half expects them to phase back into lilies and daisies, but no such thing happens. 

He turns to face the camera as Roman starts snapping photos. He keeps the smile on his face the whole time. 

Minutes pass. Picture after picture is taken: silly ones, serious ones, family ones, ones of just Patton and his dress and diploma. 

The begonias are there the whole time. 

They finally decide to leave. They wrestle Patton’s dress into the car and drive back towards home. He’s never been more relieved to leave a church in his life. 

Patton stares out the window during the ride, smiling and nodding through the conversation his parents started. Wearing a dress isn’t a sin, but it might as well be in this moment. Most of his family supported his decision to wear a dress for grad, but what is he going to do when he sees the other graduates? They’ll sneer at him in disgust and accuse him of committing the worst sin any Catholic boy could ever commit. 

A sin he’s already guilty of. 

They pull into the driveway. Mom and Dad hop out of the car, along with Roman and Remus. Patton hefts his dress and steps out after them. Mom begins going through the pictures and cooing over how pretty Patton is. Roman peers over her shoulder, gushing about Patton’s dress along with her. Dad just gives Patton a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and strides to the door. The only reason Patton was allowed to wear a dress was because Mom always wanted to go dress shopping with her daughters. Both Roman and Remus had chosen to wear suits for their grad and hadn’t been able to fulfill Mom’s dress wishes. Dad never approved of the decision. Patton can tell. 

Remus flashes Patton a sympathetic smile. “Dad’s not happy,” she says quietly. “I’ll see if I can calm him down before you come inside.”

Patton nods, grateful for Remus’ willingness to smooth over their dad’s ruffled feathers. He turns to Mom and Roman and is about to join them in looking at the pictures, but he pauses when he looks across the street. 

The Saint Bernard is back. 

It sits at the top of the driveway of the house just across the street. It’s so still, he would have thought it was a statue had the breeze not ruffled its fur. Its brown eyes are fixed on him and only move when he does. 

Patton stares back. The dread in his gut grows. 

A boy about Patton’s age trudges around the side of the house, hands jammed in his pockets. He wears a ragged leather jacket over a bright yellow shirt, which contrasts with his dark brown skin. A patch of pale skin covers the entire left side of his face. A yellow beanie conceals his hair, but a tiny black curl pokes out from under the fabric.

The boy whistles at the dog. It finally moves from its seat. It jogs up to him and follows him towards the door of the house.

Patton stares after the boy. He doesn’t seem to notice Patton’s gaze. 

“Patton, you coming?”

Patton glances back at Mom and Roman. Mom gestures for Patton to join them in looking at the pictures. 

He turns back to where the dog had sat. It and the boy are both gone. 

Patton walks over to Mom and Roman and plasters on a smile. The bad feeling in his stomach doesn’t go away.


	2. When I'm Dead I Won't Join Their Ranks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i feel like shit this morning so here's another chapter of my comfort fic

Patton lies in bed that night, feeling like a sinner. 

In the darkness of his room, late at night when no one else is around, the bad thoughts don’t leave him alone. They poke at the corners of his mind, asking questions like “hey, what would be the best way to kill Mom and Dad and get away with it?” and “what if you actually killed yourself back in eighth grade and this is just your personal hell?” and “if Dad ever finds out about your thoughts, he’s going to murder you.”

Patton can’t handle it. The horrible thoughts have intruded in his life for so long. Back in tenth grade, he thought he’d beat them. He thought praying and pushing them back had gotten rid of the thoughts. And it had, for a while. All through eleventh grade, he was the happiest he’d ever been. No problems. No reasons to see the guidance counselor aside from a few thoughts of “what-if” and “maybe” that he didn’t concern himself with. 

But everything went downhill a few weeks ago. 

Maybe it’s the worldwide lockdown. Maybe it’s the upcoming graduation and the fear of what to do next. Maybe it’s that some of the thoughts, some of the most sinful ones that he represses deep, deep down, the ones about other boys in his grade, actually don’t make him feel bad at first. 

The last thing is probably it. He’s had new thoughts lately, little intrusive things that nag at his head and don’t let him sleep. They’re awful things, things no Catholic boy would ever consider. 

They’re about Logan. 

Logan, one of Patton’s best and closest friends. He’s kind, and smart, and his smile sends butterflies fluttering through Patton’s stomach. Logan wears the same necktie every day, always at a slightly crooked angle that makes Patton want to reach up and straighten it. As of late, Patton’s found himself staring into Logan’s blue eyes as he rants about philosophy, walking closer to Logan as they walk together, wanting to run his hands through Logan’s soft brown hair and lean forward until they’re inches apart—

Patton covers his face with his blankets, as if that would somehow block out the thoughts. Every time he has those specific thoughts about Logan, his stomach fills with butterflies, so light and fluttery, he’s afraid they might fly right up through his throat and make him choke.

Then he remembers that they’re wrong, that he’s not allowed to think that way, that the passing thoughts he has are bad and he should never, ever act on them. A sense of shame burns up inside him, so hot and so bright, it’s as if the Devil himself is reaching up from the pits of Hell to strangle Patton himself for his sins.

Patton’s tried to stop the thoughts. He’s drilled it into his head so any times. He isn’t going to kill himself, he isn’t going to harm others, and he certainly isn’t going to do anything with Logan. 

Patton glances at the clock on his bedside table. It’s midnight. 

He sits up and swings his legs over the side of his bed. He tiptoes to his window, opening it in one swift move. He hoists himself onto the window ledge and clambers out onto the roof. The cool night breeze ruffles his hair. He takes a deep breath. He sits cross legged on the shingles, staring up at the stars. 

Praying helped once. Maybe it’ll help again. 

He shuts his eyes, letting the light breeze wash over him as if it can take the bad thoughts from his head and blow them away into the sky, never to be seen again. He doesn’t speak out loud for fear that his sleeping parents might hear him and wake up. He silently prays that his thoughts will go away. He silently prays that God will have mercy on him when his day comes and he won’t be sent to Hell for the things he thinks in the darkness of his room. He silently prays that he can one day get rid of all the bad thoughts and be able to live a normal life like every other boy in the church. 

He opens his eyes and stared up at the sky. It’s entirely possible that his prayers won’t work, but he hopes that maybe, just maybe, God heard them and will give him what he needs to make them a reality. 

But as he stares at the sky, his thoughts turn to Logan again. He finds himself wishing Logan was there with him on the rooftop, holding Patton’s hand and pointing out all the constellations in the sky, ranting about space with that excited gleam in his eyes. Patton shakes his head, trying to purge the thoughts out of his mind. Those thoughts are wrong. He shouldn’t have them. 

He stares around the neighbourhood, trying to distract himself. He levels his gaze at the house across the street.

The Saint Bernard sits at the top of the driveway. 

It sits there at the edges of the light the street lamp provides, staring at Patton. Patton stares back. Neither of them move. 

Patton hears footsteps on concrete. The boy from earlier steps into the light of the streetlamp. He still wears his yellow beanie and his leather jacket over his yellow shirt. He walks up to the Saint Bernard and leans against the house. He digs something out of his pocket and sticks it in his mouth. Patton notices that it’s a cigarette when the boy raises a lighter to the end of it. 

Parton knows the boy, sort of. He had been in Roman and Remus’ class. He graduated last year. Patton never learned the boy’s name, mostly because neither Roman nor Remus was friends with him.

Due to the lack of a name, Patton had taken to calling him “Snapdragon”. The namesake grows in the garden in front of the boy’s house, and the yellow buds are the most noticeable thing about the house, at least when the boy isn’t there with his bright yellow beanie. Besides, Patton thinks the flower suits him for some reason. 

Snapdragon holds his cigarette in one hand and uses the other to scratch the Saint Bernard on the head. The dog doesn’t tear its gaze away from Patton for even a second. It sets Patton’s nerves off a little, but he’s used to the dog’s stare.

Snapdragon looks up at Patton. He raises a hand and waves. 

Patton waves back. This isn’t the first time Snapdragon’s noticed him. Patton has a habit of sitting on the roof to contemplate things. One night, Snapdragon had gone out to smoke at the same time, and from then on, Patton’s made sure to go out at around the same time. He isn’t sure why he likes going out at the same time. Maybe it’s nice to bask in the illusion that he’s not alone, that his need for company isn’t one-sided, that Snapdragon goes out at the same time every night specifically to see Patton. 

It’s a stupid fantasy, but he allows himself to wallow in those lonely thoughts. At least they keep him from thinking about... well, literally everything else he shouldn’t be thinking about. 

Patton gazes up at the starry night sky for a few more minutes, allowing his thoughts to come and go. Snapdragon finishes off his cigarette and pets the Saint Bernard as he stares at the sky along with Patton. 

Patton shifts his gaze to Snapdragon every once in a while. He’s always been captivating to look at. The way his yellow clothes stand out against his dark skin is striking. The pale patch on the one side of his face is interesting, as Patton’s never seen anything like it before. Snapdragon seems so calm and collected, similar to Logan in a way, but much more relaxed. Patton watches as Snapdragon lowers his cigarette and smoke spills from his lips.

Patton’s never spoken to him before, but he likes Snapdragon in a similar way to how he likes Logan. The feelings aren’t as strong, but Patton feels guilty about it nonetheless. He finds Snapdragon beautiful and fascinating and he wants to get closer to him, to get to know him.

Despite the crushing guilt, Patton thinks it’s more acceptable because he doesn’t know Snapdragon that well. He knows Logan and he doesn’t want things to be awkward between them, so he pushes those feelings down. But with Snapdragon, Patton always gives himself a moment or two to stare and imagine what things might be like if he was ever allowed to act on these feelings, before the guilt overtakes him again and washes those fantasies away.

As if by a silent agreement, Snapdragon turns to go back into his house at the same time Patton starts crawling back to his window. Snapdragon whistles for the Saint Bernard to follow him, and it finally tears its gaze away from Patton to jog after him. Patton closes his window just as Snapdragon shuts his front door.


	3. He's Got His Own Things To Deal With

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know that this is fiction but i still feel like i should make a disclaimer?? these guys are breaking current pandemic safety guidelines, this is just how my town was behaving in June 2020 when there were no cases in our province but pls do not do what they're doing. wear a mask, stay two metres apart, STAY SAFE, and don't be dumb and stubborn like my town is

Logan is getting his diploma today, and that makes Patton very nervous. Logan had told the rest of his and Patton’s friend group to go to the church once he’s done with his one-graduate ceremony so they can take some pictures as a group. Patton’s looking forward to seeing all of his friends again. He hasn’t gotten to hang out with any of them since school shut down. However, seeing Logan will only bring up a lot of bad thoughts. Patton doesn’t want that. 

He picks up his headband with its white chrysanthemum and stares down at it. He feels like he doesn’t deserve to wear this pure, innocent white flower. Not with everything he’s done. Everything he is. 

He slides the headband over his hair regardless. Roman was right—he really does look like a princess. And he does feel beautiful in this dress. 

But Dad’s clear disapproval keeps nagging at the back of his head. Patton can’t help but wonder if he’s doing something wrong, if he’d made a bad choice to wear this, to express himself so... femininely. Surely no other Catholic boys are wearing anything like this for their graduation. 

But it’s not like he can change his mind now. 

He leaves his room and hurries downstairs into the kitchen. Mom, Remus, and Roman are waiting there for him, and the three of them smile happily at the sight of him. He can’t help but smile back at their approval. 

“Your carriage awaits, fair maiden!” Roman declares. She takes Patton’s hand and pulls him to the door. Patton laughs at her enthusiasm. It seems Roman is more excited about Patton’s graduation than Patton is himself. 

They climb into the car. Patton sits in the backseat with Remus to make room for the copious amounts of fabric he’s carrying with him. 

He tries not to let his thoughts wander too far this time. He doesn’t want to let anything ruin today. He’s going to see his friends! That’s a good thing! It should make him happy!

But the thought of returning to the church... a place he should be forbidden to enter... it’s too much. He can’t stop thinking about it. He hadn’t deserved to even step through the doors of one of the holiest places in town. He hopes he won’t be going inside it again. Maybe he can just wait outside for Logan to be finished with his pictures. 

They pull up to the church and park in the lot. Roman hops out of the vehicle and rushes to open Patton’s door. Patton giggles at the chivalrous gesture as he steps out of the car. 

“Pat!”

Patton look up towards the voice. Virgil hurries towards him, smiling bigger than Patton has ever seen. His black hair is actually pushed back from his face for once. The purple tie hanging from his neck is striking against his black dress shirt. 

He stops in front of Patton and stares down at his dress in awe. “Oh my god, you’re gorgeous! I love your dress!”

Virgil wraps Patton in a hug, and Patton hugs him back. It feels so good to see Virgil again after months of being apart. They shouldn’t be hugging because of the pandemic, but there are no cases in their town yet, so Patton doesn’t care at the moment.

Virgil pulls away and puts his hands on Patton’s shoulders to look at the dress. “Wow,” he whispers. “Seriously, that’s beautiful.”

“Thank you,” Patton says, bashful at the compliment. “I like your makeup. Did you do it yourself?”

Virgil gives a nervous laugh. “Yeah. Mom wouldn’t let me wear a dress so this was our compromise. She doesn’t seem to mind, though. She actually said I look nice.”

Patton hears a lady’s voice shouting something in Punjabi. He peeks past Virgil to see Virgil’s mother rushing towards them from her parked car, holding something in her hands. Virgil says something back, and Patton waits as they have a quick discussion. She turns Virgil to face her and pins something to the lapel of his purple jacket. She ruffles his hair and kisses his cheek. Virgil grumbles in Punjabi as he tries to smooth his hair back down. 

He turns back to Patton, straightening whatever his mom had pinned to his lapel. It’s a white rose corsage that stands out against his otherwise dark outfit. 

“Is anyone else here?” Patton asks as his sisters and his mom go off to talk to Virgil’s parents. 

“Remy and Emile should be here soon,” Virgil answers. His gaze flickers to something across the parking lot. “I actually think that’s them.”

Patton follows his gaze. A black car pulls into the lot and parks a little crooked in front of the church. The doors open. A white boy with a nice tan steps out of the driver’s seat, donning a simple light grey suit. A pair of sunglasses cover his eyes. Out of the passenger seat steps a Filipino boy in a pastel pink suit and a pair of glasses. 

Remy lifts his sunglasses as he and Emile stride over to Patton and Emile. “Girl!” Remy squeals. “You look bomb AF!” Remy hurries up to them and stares down at Patton’s dress. “Ugh, honey, how did you manage to look so absolutely gorgeous? Seriously, I’m kinda jealous right now.” He looks at Virgil and gasps. “Virge! Sweetie, your makeup looks like a goth nightmare! I love it. It suits you so well. You two are slaying!”

“Pat, you’re so pretty,” Emile gushes. 

Patton squeezes Emile in a quick hug. “Thanks.”

Remy lowers his sunglasses again. “So where’s the nerd? He almost done?” 

“I’m right here.”

Emile squeaks in surprise and jumps. They all turn to face the voice of the person who had approached them. 

Patton’s breath leaves him in a sharp gasp when he sees Logan. The dark blue three-piece suit he wears fits his form perfectly, the waistcoat and the black dress shirt hugging every curve like they had been sewn to fit his exact shape. His tie matches the hue of his suit, but the galaxy-like pattern makes Patton feel like he’s staring into the void of space. His brown hair is pushed away from his face, presenting his sharp cheekbones and his bright eyes that dance with the same stars that decorate his tie. Patton feels like he could stare into his eyes and drown in the waves of those blue depths. 

“Damn bitch,” Remy says. “Did you just get back from your Vogue shoot?”

Logan smirks. Patton’s heart flutters at the sight. “Yes. Why, didn’t you get one? Or are they only putting the valedictorian on a magazine?”

Patton’s heart won’t stop pounding as he stares at Logan. He hardly recognizes him in his suit. He looks more handsome than Patton has ever seen him. Patton wants to reach up and run his hand through Logan’s soft hair. He wants to take off Logan’s glasses just to stare into those deep, thoughtful eyes and see if he can find constellations in the golden hazel flecks within the galaxy of blue. He wants to cup Logan’s face in his hands and trace his sharp jawline with his thumb. He wants to grab Logan’s tie and pull him down to Patton’s level and stare into those blue eyes as he presses their lips together—

Patton stops his thoughts as the blood rushes to his face. He isn’t supposed to think that. This is just another swarm of icky thoughts, the ones that make him feel gross and disgusting and horrible. 

But if this is just another wave of unintentional sin, why do his thoughts of Logan make him feel happy?

Emile tugs on Patton’s wrist. “Come on, let’s get some pictures!”

Patton tips his gaze away from Logan and gives Emile an uneasy smile. “Sure thing.”

Remy hooks his arm though Patton’s. “Let’s get some in front of the flowerbed. Those flowers will look nice with Virgil and Emile’s suits.”

“And they’ll make your dress stand out!” Emile adds cheerfully. 

Patton shoots a wary glance at the flowerbeds of begonias in front of the church. He’s so sure they’d been daisies and lilies yesterday. However, maybe he’s wrong. Maybe they had been begonias the whole time. Maybe he’s making a big fuss out of nothing. 

He takes a deep breath to calm himself and smiles as his friends all cluster together in front of the flowerbed. Virgil calls out for his mother, and she rushes over with a camera, followed by Patton’s present family members and Logan’s parents. 

Roman motions for Patton to move over. “Put the princess in the middle!”

Patton hesitates. If he’s in the middle, he’ll be right next to Logan. 

He can’t protest without looking suspicious. He shifts past Virgil so he stands between the two. Remy and Emile place themselves on the ends of the group. Virgil wraps his arm around Patton’s shoulders, which Patton is fine with, but he nearly yelps out loud when Logan wraps his arm around Patton’s waist. Patton smiles for the cameras, but he’s too aware of Logan’s hand ghosting over the fabric of Patton’s skirt, too aware of how close they are, sides pressed together, close enough to smell Logan’s cologne, too aware of his own arm resting on Logan’s back, fingers brushing against Logan’s waist, too aware of how much he wants Logan to turn and face him, pull him closer so they’re staring into each other’s eyes—

“Perfect!” Logan’s mom lowers her camera. “Now do a silly one!”

Emile immediately grabs Virgil’s shoulders and jumps onto his back, earning a startled shout from Virgil. Everyone’s parents laugh as Virgil grabs Emile’s legs to keep him steady. Remy crouches in front of the group, making peace signs with his hands. Logan steps away from Patton (thank God) and leans down to make bunny ears with one hand behind Remy’s head, which Remy doesn’t seem to notice. Patton kneels next to Remy, which is a little difficult in his heels, but he manages to stay on his feet. He plucks Remy’s sunglasses off the top of his head and puts them on. He leans against Remy and sticks out his tongue. 

Patton’s thoughts settle as their family members snap some photos. He’s happy to see all his friends again, but being around Logan doesn’t help his bad thoughts. Sure, he isn’t thinking any bad violent thoughts in this moment, but he can’t stop thinking of Logan. It’s so frustrating. 

Luckily, the pictures don’t take too long. They take a few more group pictures, a couple individually, and Roman and Remus decide to photobomb a couple times during the silly pictures. They get a couple photos of Patton’s sisters with the five graduates, since the two of them have always been close with Patton’s friend group. 

Once all the parents have gotten their fill of photos, they group together to chat amongst themselves. That leaves the twins and the graduates to visit. 

Remus grabs Patton in a headlock and ruffles his hair. “Congrats, bitch! You’re an adult now!”

Patton laughs and shoves Remus off him, reaching up to straighten his headband. “Language!”

“We’re all adults now,” Remy points out. “Time for responsibility.”

“Fuck responsibility,” Virgil scoffs. “I’m getting shitfaced at the grad party. Roman, you still driving for us?”

Roman heaves a great sigh. “I suppose if I must. The only real reason I’m staying sober is that I really want to see Logan get drunk.”

Logan snorts. “Well, I don’t know. I might only have a couple drinks. I’ve never gotten drunk before.”

“Oh my god, please do!” Emile says, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. “Come on, I wanna meet drunk Logan!”

“I wanna meet drunk Emile,” Patton says. “Remy says he’s very entertaining.”

“Oh, he is,” Remy chuckles, lifting his sunglasses to look at the others. “He’s the sweetest little puffball I’ve ever seen.”

“I am not,” Emile huffs. 

“Last time you got drunk, you wouldn’t stop hugging people and telling me how much you love and appreciate me.”

“That’s besides the point!”

“I wanna see Patton get drunk,” Remus says, arm still slung over Patton’s shoulders. 

Virgil grins. “Pat, you gonna drink at all at the party?”

Patton pauses. He isn’t sure if he ever wants to get drunk. If he does, the filter between his brain and mouth might totally dissolve, and he might start talking about his bad thoughts, and then everyone else would know just how bad of a person he really was. He would especially hate for Logan to hear about all the sins Patton secretly wanted to commit with him. Patton would never be able to face Logan again if he knew. 

“I might have one,” Patton admits. “But I don’t think I’m actually going to get drunk. I don’t even want to know what drunk Patton is like.”

“I’d love to see what drunk Patton’s like,” Virgil says. “Pat, sometime, you and me just need to get wasted together and see what you’re like when you’re drunk.”

Patton had almost stopped listening. He’s too busy staring at the flower Virgil’s mom had pinned to his lapel. Patton could have sworn it had been a white rose earlier. 

A begonia is pinned in its place. 

“Pat?”

Patton blinks at Virgil, who’s staring at him with concern. Patton plasters on a smile. “Yeah, I’d like to do that sometime.” As long as Logan isn’t the one he’s getting drunk with. 

The conversation continues on. Patton just smiles and nods his way through it, even as his stomach ties itself into knots. The pink petals of the flower on Virgil’s lapel seem to taunt him. _What made you think you should come anywhere near a church again? How dare you step so close to this place with the baggage of all your sins? You don’t even deserve to stand in this parking lot, much less step inside that church._

The begonias in the flowerbed sway in the breeze, as does the one pinned to Virgil’s lapel. It always seems to be facing Patton no matter which way Virgil turns. Patton is acutely aware of the bad thoughts swimming through his head, some bordering on nonsensical and violent and making his stomach turn, others making his heart pound with daydreams of Logan every time their gazes connect. 

The group finally disperses when Emile receives a text from his mom about his grandparents coming over. He and Remy hug everyone else and run off to Remy’s car. Patton watches as they pull out of the parking lot. 

“Well, I should probably get going, too,” Virgil says. “Mom hired a photographer to get some more pictures, and I don’t think we should keep them waiting.”

“See ya.” Logan wraps Virgil in a hug. 

Virgil exchanges hugs with Roman and Remus, and a giggle bubbles up in Patton’s chest when Virgil smacks Remus on the arm and says “Hey, hands above the waist, trash rat.”

Virgil finally goes to hug Patton. Patton gives the begonia a wary glance as if it might burn him if he got close, but he briefly hugs Virgil anyway. 

Virgil rushes off to his mom. Patton isn’t glad to see Virgil go, but he’s relieved to see the begonia get out of his sight. 

Logan sighs. “Well, I should bounce too.” He and Roman hug, doing that weird bro thing where they hit each other’s backs as they hug. Remus’ hug is more bone-crushing than Roman’s, and she even lifts Logan off the ground a little. Logan’s almost wheezing after Remus’ enthusiastic embrace, but he turns to Patton with his arms out. 

Oh. Oh no. 

Patton tries to suppress all the thoughts that pop up as they wrap their arms around each other. He tries to take a deep breath to calm himself, but all he can smell is Logan’s cologne, with a faint tinge of some kind of fruity tropical smell from whatever shampoo he’s using. Logan’s arms are tight around his torso, one hand on the back of Patton’s bare shoulder, which is more contact than they’re supposed to be making because of the pandemic, and Patton wishes Logan had adhered to the rules for once. The touch sends chills down Patton’s spine. While he wants nothing more than to lean into the embrace and hug Logan back tighter, he pulls away. 

“See you at the parade?” Logan says with a smile that makes Patton’s heart skip a beat. 

Patton nods. “Yeah.”

Logan turns and walks over to where his family is waiting. Roman and Remus hook their arms through Patton’s and make their way back to Mom’s car. Mom rants about how pretty Patton looks and how it was good to see his friends again after so long. Patton just nods in agreement. 

They pile into the car after their goodbyes, Roman and Mom discussing how excited they were to see Patton and everyone else in his grade standing outside the school tomorrow. Remus interrupts in the conversation a couple times, so luckily, Patton doesn’t have to contribute. 

The image of the begonia on Virgil’s lapel seems to have burned itself into his retinas. He could have sworn it had been a white rose when Virgil’s mom pinned it to his suit. 

They park in the driveway of their house. Patton hops out of the car almost as soon as the car stops, relieved to be home and away from the church. 

Mom and the twins step out after him and walk up to the door. Patton risks a glance at the house across the street. 

The Saint Bernard is there again. It sits on the driveway, staring at Patton. 

He doesn’t stick around this time to see if Snapdragon might show up. He just turns and follows his family back to the house, a feeling of dread settling in his stomach.


	4. You Always Said How You Love Dogs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep forgetting that this fic exists, SORRY-

Patton hugs his pillow to his chest as the thoughts come and go. It’s so difficult to block them out, especially the ones about Logan. The image of Logan’s face just won’t leave his head. He can’t stop thinking about how gorgeous Logan’s hair looked pushed back from his face, and how the stars on his tie matched the hazel flecks in his blue eyes, and how—

Patton groans and covers his head with his blanket. He just can’t make his head shut up, can he? God, this is the most frustrating thing ever. He almost wishes his thoughts would go back to nonsensical violence. At least he knows how he feels about those. These thoughts of Logan are too difficult to understand. 

He glances at the clock. It‘s midnight. Normally, he would crawl out onto the roof to contemplate things now, but staring up at the starry night sky might only make him think of Logan more. 

Patton huddles under his blankets and shuts his eyes. He tries to sleep, but the thoughts won’t stop. Every time he tries to stop thinking about Logan, thoughts of how he could kill himself pop up in his head, or thoughts of hurting someone else, or thoughts of doing stupid things that could hurt him and the people he cares about. If he tries to stop thinking about those, his mind automatically turns back to Logan, which always gives him a little thrill of happiness when he pictures Logan’s kind smile and blue eyes, but the feelings turn sour when he remembers he isn’t supposed to think about Logan that way. Nothing helps. None of the passing thoughts in his head are good. He can’t sleep like this. 

A loud _thud_ from the window jabs through his eardrums. He bolts upright, heart pounding. What was that?

He scrambles out of bed and rushes to the window. He peers down at the front yard, but it‘s hard to see past the ledge of roof that circles the second floor. 

He unlatches the window and opens it.

Something flies past his head and into his room. He whirls around as it rolls across his floor. It looks like a rubber ball. 

He picks it up and turns back to the window. He clambers out onto the roof and peers down. 

Snapdragon stands on the front lawn, the Saint Bernard at his side. “Hey,” he calls. “Why didn’t you come outside?”

Patton’s heart skips a beat. He blinks, confused as to why Snapdragon is here, in his yard, with his yellow beanie and canine companion. “What?”

Snapdragon shrugs. “You didn’t come outside. I got worried.”

Patton furrows his brow. “Oh. I didn’t think you’d notice.”

“Well, we’ve been out at the same time every night for the past two months. Course I’d notice.”

Patton raises the rubber ball. “This yours?”

Snapdragon holds up a hand, and Patton tosses the ball. Snapdragon catches it. Patton takes a moment to stare at Snapdragon. He’s never seen him up close before. His eyes trace the edges of the pale blotches on his face. Patton’s never seen anyone else with skin like that before. It adds something interesting to Snapdragon’s appearance. Butterflies flutter in his stomach as he stares, similar to the ones he gets when he thinks about Logan, but he pushes them down. He averts his gaze. He shouldn’t stare at Snapdragon. That’s rude. 

“You’re graduating this year, right?” Snapdragon asks. 

Patton nods. “Yeah.”

“I saw your dress. You looked really nice. I don’t often see guys wearing dresses to grad.”

Patton’s face flushes at the compliment. His friends and family had already said he looked pretty in his dress, but it‘s different hearing it from a near stranger. Snapdragon is under no obligation to compliment him, but he did it anyway. The butterflies flutter at that. He wants to compliment Snapdragon back, but his voice catches in his throat.

“Thanks,” he says instead. Patton sits cross-legged on the roof like he usually does. He’d never spoken to Snapdragon before. This is a little nerve-wracking, but oddly enough, he’s glad for the company. 

Snapdragon tosses the rubber ball in the air and catches it. The Saint Bernard follows the toy with its eyes. “So, how’s grad treating you? Stressful?”

Patton lets out a sigh. “You could say that.” 

Snapdragon nods. “Yeah, I get it. You know what you’re gonna do next year?”

“Taking a gap year to work. I don’t know what to do if I go to university, so...” Patton just shrugs to finish off his statement. 

“Fair enough.” Snapdragon whips the rubber ball across the street, and the Saint Bernard dashes after it. “I still don’t know what I’m doing,” he says with a smirk. 

Patton smiles a little at the comment. This guy is a year older than him and still doesn’t know what to do with his life. At least Patton isn’t alone in that regard. 

“You graduated with my sisters, right?” Patton asks. “Roman and Remus?”

“Ah, the theatre nerds,” Snapdragon says with a knowing nod. “I know ‘em. Are they still dramatic as hell?”

Patton snorts. “Yeah. Especially Roman. They came home from the city because of COVID, and I swear, if I have to hear Roman recite another Hamlet soliloquy in the shower while she’s having a mental breakdown, I’m going to lose it.”

Snapdragon actually laughs at that, which brings a smile to Patton’s face. This is someone he’d hardly interacted with at all, and he seems genuinely interested in speaking to Patton. His laugh sounds lovely, a pure, unashamed expression of happiness. Patton wants to hear it again.

“So, what keeps you up this late, anyway?” Snapdragon asks. His dog runs back to him and spits out the ball. 

“I could ask you the same thing,” Patton shoots back. 

“Touché.” Snapdragon picks up the ball and tosses it across the lawn. His dog sprints after it. “My mom doesn’t know that I smoke, so I do it after she goes to bed. I don’t wanna worry her by telling her. You?”

Patton raises an eyebrow, not ready to turn the conversation to himself quite yet. “Why do you smoke? You know it’s bad for you.”

“Yeah, well, I was a dumbass in ninth grade and I tried it. Been doing it ever since. I should probably stop.” He crosses his arms. A small piercing glints in the dim light when he raises an eyebrow. “Now why do you come out here at night?”

Patton sighs in defeat. “I just come out here to think.”

“About what?”

Patton grimaces a little. “It’s not important.” If this guy ever found out what Patton’s thoughts turn to, he’d probably never speak to Patton again. 

“A’ight, you don’t wanna share. That’s cool.” Snapdragon’s dog runs back up to him and drops the ball. “What’s on your mind right now, though?” he inquires with a grin. 

_What might happen if I tied a noose with my bedsheets and hung myself right in front of you,_ Patton’s intrusive thoughts answer. Instead, he says, “Why you’re standing on my front lawn in the middle of the night with your dog.”

“Just checking up on you,” Snapdragon responds. “Wanted to make sure you weren’t dead or anything.” 

“Well, I’m not. Why do you care, anyway?”

“Dunno. Guess I don’t wanna lose the little bit of company. It’s nice to chill out around someone else without needing to make conversation, y’know?”

Patton nods in understanding. “Yeah. It can definitely be... taxing. I mean, if I’m being honest, the whole reason I started coming out here at midnight was because I noticed you went out to smoke at the same time.” It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but Patton is glad he says it. Oddly enough, he feels like can tell anything to Snapdragon. He just seems so easygoing, so chill.

“You just like the company?”

“Yeah.” Patton‘s a little surprised to know that Snapdragon understands him in that sense. Conversations can be difficult. Silent company is nice every once in a while. 

Snapdragon picks up the rubber ball. “Well, I should probably go. It’s getting late.”

“Me too. Nice finally talking to you.” 

“Likewise.” Snapdragon turns and starts for his house. He whistles for the Saint Bernard to follow, and it does. “See you tomorrow, Chrysanthemum?”

Patton‘s taken aback by the nickname. “What was that?” he asks with a startled laugh. 

Snapdragon turns back to look at Patton. “Chrysanthemums. You got white ones growing in your front garden. I don’t know your name, so that’s kinda what I’ve been calling you.” He gives Patton a small smile that might convey a little bit of embarrassment.

Patton smiles again. Odd that this stranger could make him smile more in the past five minutes than he had in the past two days. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Snapdragon.”

Snapdragon’s grin blossoms into a full smile, and Patton decides that he‘s going to talk to Snapdragon the next chance he gets. He wants to see that smile again. 

Snapdragon waves at Patton, and Patton waves back. Patton slips back in through his window and climbs into bed. 

It‘s only later that he realizes he didn’t think of Logan much at all during their entire conversation.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't write in present tense often, so i hope i didn't mess it up! comments and feedback are appreciated and encourage me to keep writing! <3


End file.
